Camels in the Mist

I feel the need to rant. Last two nights, i went to see Sith. I guess (vaguely) it was better than I and II. I’m still in the process of making up my mind. All i can say is this: i’m breathing a sigh of relief, because this is hopefully the last in a string of disappointments. Be warned: There are no spoilers in this post. George Lucas has already succeeded in doing a far better job of spoiling Episode III than i could ever hope to do.

If you’re a die-hard Star Wars fan, you may feel the need to disregard the rest of this post and/or flame me, but just keep in mind that i used to be one of you. I used to be a big Star Wars geek. Fifty or more star wars novels in a box in storage and an old cardboard tube wrapped up in shiny green paper next to an old brown robe still hanging in my closet are testament to that.

They’ve been collecting a lot of dust over the past six years.

Right now, I feel like heckling the movie publically. Most people in the movie theatre didn’t appreciate me MST3K’ing it. Yes, I’m one of those bastards who talked through the movie. Sue Me.

• Coruscant has mile after mile of valuable Surface Space covered with runways because The Star Wars Universe Has Ships That Use Runways.
• That damned zit in the middle of Obi-wan’s forehead
• Smile. You’re on candid camera.
  

  <Padme>	Something wonderful has happened… (subtext: Smile, or i’ll slap a paternity suit on your ass)
  <Anakin>	This is the happiest day of my life. (subtext: If i turn this into a chick flick, the girls will be all over me ^_^)

• More Cheese, please.
  

  <Anakin>	You’re so beautiful.
  <Padme>	It’s only because I’m so in love.
  <Anakin>	No, it’s because I’m so in love with you.

  If Anakin put his foot in it any further, his big toe would be corking his duodenum. Who wrote this crap? Oh! wait… nevermind…

• Another awesome scene, you’ll notice it because Anakin and Obi-wan talk at each other like someone is hiding nearby with a tape rolling: (not an exact quote)
  

  <Anakin>	Thank you master for teaching me. I’m honored to be your student. You’ve taught me well. I’m sorry for being so arrogant. (Subtext: Maybe if i suck up enough, you’ll take me along on this mission)
  <Obi-Wan>	Yes. You’ve been a good student. I have taught you everything I know. I have taught you well. You’re a fine Jedi. (subtext: I’m so cool)
  <Anakin>	May the FOAD, err, force be with you.

  Because people really talk to each other like that.

• The Emperor is actually Muad’Dib, the Kwisatz Haderach. He has Bene Geserit training and will not hesitate to lay the smack down and use his Voice on you. Newsflash, Han wasn’t smuggling glitterstim, it was actually melange. Come back next thursday for our exciting sequel: Is Tatooine really Arrakis? Is the Sarlaac really a spice worm? Sandpeople are just Fremen in stillsuits?
• Backpedalling is so cool.
  

  <Yoda>	A prophecy, misread, may have been.
  *	translation:
  <George Lucas>	Yea, so, i really didn’t know how to finish off this prophecy bit so… yea. Pretend it never existed. Wait! No, nevermind. He DID bring balance to the force! Two Jedi left over, and two Sith? Right? Right? Two of each! Equal dark and light! They’re even! Balance! Sweet! I should have thought of that earlier, damn! I’m so cool!

  Keep telling yourself that, maybe you’ll even believe it…

• Yoda leaves his lightsaber behind. “So that’s why he doesn’t have it on Dagobah!” Smart one, Yoda.
• Just before Aayla gets killed, you can see the Overmind in the distance. The clones were there to suppress the separatist zerglings.
• In our first (and only?) ever glimpse of Alderaan, we discover…. Paramount!
• Enya needs to write a song: “Clouds on Tatooine”. Let me repeat that. Clouds. On. Tatooine. Did i hear someone say Moisture Farmer?
• My ears are bleeding
  

  <Darth Vader>

  Where is Padme? Is she… ok?

  Darth Vader did not say that. *plugs ears* NOT LISTENING!!!!!

• They did a good job of making Hayden Christensen in Episode 3 look like Mark Hamill in Episode 4
  

  <Darth Vader>	Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
  *	translation:
  <James T. Kirk>	Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn!

There. I’ve said my bit. May the force be with you all.

Currently Listening to:
[ Homogenic ] Björk - Unravel
"The devil collects it
With a grin
Our love
In a ball of yarn
He'll never return it"

This entry was posted on Saturday, May 21st, 2005 at 7:50 pm by Xore and is filed under All, Humor, Life, Airtime in Rantspace. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.